A quote from the Wikipedia article about lawyer jokes: “Lawyer jokes, which predate Shakespeare’s era, are commonly told by those outside the profession as an expression of contempt, scorn and derision.”
There is a small error in the Wikipedia article – the jokes are told by those within the profession as well … and for the same reasons.
How many lawyer jokes are in existence? There’s only three. All the rest are true stories.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasies.
Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: Why did God create lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
In a recent study, weekly doses of Viagra were administered to equal numbers of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the results.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.
An engineer dies and is sent to Hell.
He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up? The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.” “What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.” The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.” God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!” The Devil laughs. “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple. ‘But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted. ‘It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”